CONAN QUOTABLES

56495255Every week, the NBC Publicity Department puts out a list called  “Quotables from Late Night with Conan O’Brien.”    This is the final list.  In honor of Conan’s departure from the program, I thought I’d pass them along. 

 

“Earlier today New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez confirmed reports that he has taken steroids in the past. Officials aren’t sure WHEN A-Rod took steroids, but they’re pretty sure it wasn’t October.”

“Earlier today President Obama was taking questions at a big Town Hall meeting and to make sure he was fair Obama said he was going go “girl, boy, girl, boy”. Obama calls this, “The Lindsay Lohan System”.”

“A new study was released listing companies that might not survive 2009, one of them was Krispy Kreme. Also not likely to survive 2009…Krispy Kreme’s customers.”

“A sheriff in South Carolina is threatening to charge swimmer Michael Phelps with a crime if he can prove that Phelps actually smoked pot. So far all the sheriff has to go on is a photo of Phelp’s smoking pot and Phelps’ admission of guilt.”

“In Colorado, a man has built an exact replica of a Pizza Hut booth out of Pizza Hut pizza boxes. Apparently, the glue that holds all the boxes together is made from sadness.”

“A new study has found that women who enjoy regular orgasms are more likely to be successful at work. This is especially true if they’re prostitutes.”

“This Sunday on Valentine’s Day, the TLC network is airing a documentary called “World’s Heaviest Man Gets Married.” This will be followed by a documentary on the honeymoon called “World’s Unluckiest Woman Gets Squashed.””

“In Massachusetts, the lesbian couple who led the fight to legalize gay marriage has filed for divorce. The couple is upset – because they always swore they’d “stay together for the cats.””

“Things are winding down here – only 10 shows left. Things are a lot different since we started our show – when we came on the air back in 1993, the federal debt was $4 Trillion. Now $4 Trillion is how much President Obama’s cabinet owes in back taxes.”

“Yesterday, when President Obama was getting into his helicopter – he accidentally bumped his head on the door. When he heard about it, President Bush said “See??? It’s complicated, right???””

“Today Barack Obama went to Florida and gave a speech on the economy. Obama’s speech was interrupted 5 times by applause and 6 times by old people whispering “Is he Cuban?””

“In a new interview, swimmer Michael Phelps says that ever since he was caught smoking marijuana, he’s had trouble sleeping. However, Phelps says he’s had NO trouble eating cookie dough and discussing the final season of “Thundercats.””

“Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted to using steroids – A-Rod gave an interview, he says he used steroids due to the pressure of his $250 million contract. Which makes you wonder – what kind of steroids is Oprah on?”

“A man in Sweden set a record for non-stop TV viewing for watching the show “24” for 72 straight hours. Even more impressive, a guy in Norway watched an entire episode of “According to Jim.””

“The other day in Indiana, a woman burst into tears while she was robbing a Long John Silver’s and told the cashier, “If I weren’t down and out, I wouldn’t be doing this.” Then the cashier told her, “That’s what all our customers say.””

“A new study has found that after a woman experiences an orgasm – she is more likely to be successful at work. The study also found that after a MAN experiences an orgasm – he is more likely to take a nap, pants-less, in front of the computer.”

“Valentine’s Day is coming up – Valentine’s Day is this weekend and White Castle is offering candlelight dinners to its customers. It’s perfect for the guy who has trouble saying, “I hate you.””

“Michael Phelps says that after his marijuana controversy, he tried to call his sponsor Kellogg’s, but they wouldn’t return his calls. Then Phelps realized that he’d been calling them on a banana.”

“Earlier today, Brett Favre announced that he is walking away from professional football. In other words, Favre will be back with the Jets next year.”

“When Yankee Slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted he used steroids, he said, “I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day.” And that was just with Madonna.”

“In Florida, a man stole a woman’s car by pretending to be the drummer for the band Foreigner. Police arrested the man after they found him hiding in 1983.”

“Carmen Electra is suing an organization called the “Naked Women’s Wrestling League” because they didn’t pay her for hosting a TV special. I just wanna say – Naked Women’s Wrestling League – have you no shame?”

“HBO has announced that they’re developing a new series about a high school basketball coach with an oversized penis called “Hung.” Meanwhile, NBC is developing a similar series called, “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.””

“A new survey has found that 40 percent of people think it’s romantic to get engaged on Valentine’s Day. The other 60 percent are men.”

“New York’s Transit Authority says they’re going to celebrate Valentine’s Day by putting stories on their website about couples who met on the subway. My personal favorite is this touching story of how Drunk Passed Out Girl met Creepy, Fondle-ly Guy.”

” Swimmer Michael Phelps says that right after he got caught smoking marijuana, he tried to call his sponsor Kellogg’s, but they wouldn’t return his calls. Actually Phelps wasn’t calling to apologize, he was trying to get some Rice Krispie treats delivered.”

“This week Senator John McCain sent out an email to his supporters announcing that he’s running for re-election in 2010. Isn’t that amazing… John McCain knows how to use e-mail.”

“Dunkin Donuts has started selling a waffle, bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich because they say they want to offer their customers a choice. Apparently the choice is “die in 5 minutes” – or “die right now.””

“The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue came out this week and they’re expecting it to sell over 65 million copies. UNLESS people find out about the Internet.”

“A man in Canada says he’s invented an “invisible condom.” Ladies – I want to give you a heads up: He’s lying.””

“The other day in Africa, actress Salma Hayek breast-fed a stranger’s baby because the baby wanted milk. Afterwards, the baby admitted that he wasn’t thirsty and he’s 15 years old.”

“It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow and according to a new sex survey, one of the top places people fantasize about having sex in is a phone booth. This is a survey among people who haven’t updated their sexual fantasy in 15 years.”

“It’s been reported that Michael Phelps wants $1 million dollars for his first interview about his marijuana scandal. Although Phelps said he’d settle for a box of Pop Tarts.”

“The state of Indiana is considering passing a law that would require chains like Olive Garden to put the amount of calories on the menu. The law would also require Olive Garden to put Italian food on the menu.”

“NBC announced that they’re giving a new show to late night infomercial host Tony Robbins. The show will be followed by Law & Order: Sham Wow.”

“It’s being reported that Pamela Anderson has moved into a mobile home with her electrician boyfriend. Experts are calling it the classiest thing she’s ever done.”

“As part of his re-election campaign, the mayor of a city in Mexico has been giving out free Viagra. His supporters say they’re excited about his campaign for up to 4 hours.”

“According to a new book, there is a surprising number of mobsters who are gay. Apparently, this creates confusion when the gay mobsters tell someone to “get in the trunk.”

“We’re starting to reminisce about our beginnings in September of 1993… When we went on the air back in 1993 I had no way of knowing that 16 years later we’d have an African American President. And, this is interesting, Barack Obama had no way of knowing that an albino would be taking over the Tonight Show.”

“In those days, back into 1993, you weren’t allowed to say things on television like douchebag, dipwad or a-hole. I don’t have a joke, I just like saying those things on television.”

“Let’s get something clear, are you clapping because you’re happy to see me – or because I’m leaving?”

“After tonight we only have 2 more shows left. Unless NBC pre-empts us for more “Knight Rider.””

“It’s really going to be tough to leave New York City – At first I was worried that I’d miss my favorite restaurant. But then I found out the Olive Garden is a national chain.”

“To be fair both New York and LA have downsides. LA has earthquakes, mudslides and brushfires. And New York has the Knicks, Mets & Jets.”

“This is the 16th Season of “Late Night with Conan O’Brien.” That’s 5 more than “MASH”, 5 more than “Cheers”, and TEN more than anybody wanted.”

“All week, I’ve been receiving a lot of calls from other TV hosts. Jay Leno called to wish me good luck and Larry King called to ask me what time he’s supposed to take his pills.”

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About Gerry

I've been covering Connecticut news and sports since 1974. I know, I don't look that old.
This entry was posted in People, TV Stuff and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to CONAN QUOTABLES

  1. hendu says:

    The man is a genius.

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